When giving a child a consequence, it's about addressing unproductive behavior faster and more consistently.
#Listening #StayCalm #RidiculouslyEffectiveParentingTraining
Blog referred to: https://reallove.com/be-kipuka/
Timestamps:
00:00 Why adults feel overwhelmed when faced with difficult multifaceted tasks.
01:29 What the real truth is about what you are feeling.
03:05 The two choices you have when facing a big task like parenting.
04:31 An example of how to listen to your children.
05:35 No technique will work if you are afraid or angry.
06:22 How to remain calm.
08:34 An example of applying parenting principles to a situation.
15:17 Act immediately in applying a consequence when a child acts inappropriately.
17:52 Negotiating with a child is playing THEIR manipulative game.
19:12 Require that the child state what they did.
Partial Transcript:
**“Now, let’s do a specific example.” (To illustrate what I’ve just said)
Her: “Jared spotted a container of chocolate brownies we'd made the day before and asked if he could have some.”
Her: She said "of course you can have a brownie, after you’ve eaten dinner” He ignored me, carried the container into the dining room, and said "I'm having it now."
Her: She said, “You can't have them now, but you can after dinner". He started to get upset and whine. I said, light-heartedly "Well, looks like you want to go to your room. That’s an odd choice, when you could be out here with me, and we could be having fun.”
**That's brilliant and important. He can't EVER be allowed to whine or he'll keep trying it, in various ways, all his life. And you immediately described a consequence for his whining, possibly giving him chance to choose wisely BEFORE getting the consequence.
** I’ll give you two things you could do. You could do either one, or a combination of them.
FIRST
**(I’ll be you.) “Jared, you have a choice, and you have to make it right now. You can (1) talk about this with me until you see why you can’t have the brownie now (and you can put it in your words), or (2) you can keep whining, but you’ll have to do it in your room, because it’s an unpleasant sound that we just don’t make out here where other people are happy.”
SECOND (always multiple approaches)
**Still you. (This approach works quickly)
“Jared, you have a choice, and you have to make it right now. You can (1) keep whining for the brownie, and then I will choose not to let you have any of these brownies at all—not ever. I will eat them. Or (2) you can stop whining, and have a brownie after dinner.”
**NEVER give a child something they whine to get. It trains them to whine.
Her: He quickly started to run away and said "I don't want to go to my room!" But he also stopped whining immediately.
Mom: "Ok, cool"
**Notice she didn’t praise him. Just noted his decision and desire to avoid a consequence that would be unpleasant, and informed him that it was a cool or wise decision.
Mom: “Then I looked surprised and pointed out his huge foam sword he likes. First he started poking me with the sword and I said "Jared, there is no hitting unless we both agree, or I'll have to take the sword away" . So then he started putting the sword in my face while I was obviously reading something. I said, "Jared, I don't like that," and he started arguing.
Now to her: BOOM!! RIGHT THERE (when he used the sword inappropriately the second time is where you need to act. He directly defied you. That means that loving and teaching with WORDS did not work. So now you teach with consequences. He goes to his room. Now (no anger). He has to learn that unacceptable behavior is exactly that. If you don’t teach this, he will learn that the world is chaos.
Mom: I pointed out what he was doing, "I said you're frustrated and now you're being unloving. You can stop being unloving and stay or continue and go to your room, what's your choice?".
**(Good words, to be sure, but) Too many words and too late.
When it was time for him to come down I asked him, "what happened"
To all: If you find yourself repeating lessons over and over, you’re the fool. The child is smarter than you think and manipulating you to have to repeat it. Why?
1. They control you
2. They get to act like it’s the first time, paving the way for the next repetition
He replied "I was frustrated because I couldn't have chocolate brownies so I hit you with my sword".
I asked, "What could you do differently?" and he said "Ask for some love?".
AND she said, “Look at what you DO have to be happy about "I can't have brownie now, but I get to have brownie later!". I realize this isn't about the brownie - I'm assuming it's about feeling controlled and entitled?
**Yes
How could I have handled it differently? I feel like I could be teaching him so much better, not just sending him to his room.
**It's not just sending him to room. It's about addressing unproductive behavior faster and more consistently.
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